Dealing with Marital Disputes; the Islamic Perspective

By Hanifa Masaba

It is nearly impossible for two people to live together forever without dispute, no matter how meagre their disagreement might be! Every relationship faces challenges and therefore requires that the parties seek the best ways to settle them to ensure its continuity. In his weekly lecture on the Fiqh of Marriage lectures, Dr Abdul-Hafidh Walusimbi taught about how a man deals with a dispute with his wife(s), citing Chapter 4, Surat Nisa verse 34 for the subject. In this verse, Allah offers steps that a husband should evoke in resolving a dispute with his wife. 

“Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband’s] absence what Allāh would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance] – [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them [lightly]. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand.” 

From the above verse, Dr Walusimbi observes, Allah bestows a superior role upon husbands against their wives. But contrary to the common and plain interpretation that husbands are stronger than wives, Dr Walusimbi says, husbands are given a superior role as leaders, protectors and sustainers of their wives. “Before Allah, human beings only rank based on their level of piety, not gender. So, men are superior only as leaders, and as leaders, they are expected to take charge of family affairs and guide their wives always even when they stray,” he stated.

Efforts should be made to avoid conflict between couples, Dr Walusimbi advised, further saying that it is important for a husband as the leader of the family, to nurture a good relationship filled with love and affection with his wife. The bondage of the two, he says, not only reduces the chance for conflict but helps the couple to share expectations and work towards their fulfilment. He says that small acts of love, such as hugging, kissing and pecking, should be a regular occurrence between husband and wife. 

He also emphasizes the importance of making one’s expectations known to the other for both parties to grasp the dos and don’ts regarding their partner. It is upon the duties and responsibilities and the expectations shared by the couple that any source of dispute is weighed. Simply put, a husband is expected to weigh if what they accuse their wife of not fulfilling falls under their roles and responsibilities or the expectations the husband shared with the wife.

“Avoid comparison, set your own standards such that you resolve your dispute depending on your expectations,” Dr Walusimbi says.

Back to the main subject matter, Allah addresses two issues in one verse, the husband’s responsibilities and the dispute resolution approach. The wisdom behind this, Dr Walusimbi says, is that quarrels in families arise often from the husband’s ignorance of their responsibilities or mere desertion of the same. 

“Some husbands have chosen their homes so that they just come to sleep. They don’t care about feeding or the livelihood of their family. There is a lot of preaching and not practising. Ignorance of the duties is better than neglecting them,” stressed Dr Walusimbi.

“It is therefore important that before a husband concludes that the wife has wronged him, he reflects on his actions lest he’s to blame for his wife’s reactions,” cautions Dr Walusimbi.

But when a dispute is inevitable after the husband has with no doubt established that the wife has strayed, Dr Walusimbi says, the first step towards resolving it, as provided for in the verse above is an admonition. He says the husband should initiate a conversation to inform the wife of her misdeed and how he feels about it such that together they forge a way forward. This however should be done in secrete, so that the affairs of the two are not known to third parties. And, the husband should be fair and fear Allah in his actions. 

“This approach was chosen for only people who value the marital institution. Because you entered into this institution by choice and consent and the understanding is that you’re interested in its continuity and success. Secondly, understand the sanctity of the marital institution. Also, keep it secret,” emphasizes Dr Walusimbi describing the approach as the most civilized conferred by Allah. The wife too is expected to reciprocate in the desire to resolve the dispute. She should understand that for a husband to talk to her about her misdoings is an honour he offers not only to Allah but to his wife too with whom he seeks to settle matters.