Loving each other through change
By Hatmah Nalugwa Ssekaaya
Assalam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh
You fell in love with someone who made you laugh until your ribs hurt. They were adventurous, spontaneous, and always knew what to say. Now, five, ten, or fifteen years later, you are staring across the dining table at someone who is… different. Calmer. More serious. Less talkative. Maybe even less romantic. And you wonder quietly, what happened to the person I married?
But here is the truth: they changed—and so did you.
From butterflies to bills
Love begins with excitement. Everything is new. Conversations are endless. Flaws are cute. Time is abundant. But then real life settles in. Jobs. Babies. Rent. In-laws. Health challenges. Dreams achieved. Dreams deferred – and people evolve.
Ali, who once sent flowers and wrote poetry, now calculates school fees and electricity tokens. Zaina, who giggled at every joke, now juggles work meetings, sick toddlers, and silent migraines. The butterflies didn’t die. They just moved into the background, behind bills and responsibilities.
A small dialogue in the Kitchen between Yusuf and Zaina:
“You don’t laugh like you used to,” Yusuf said as he sipped his evening tea.
“That’s because I am tired, Yusuf. Between work, the baby, and your mother’s doctor’s appointments… I barely remember how to laugh.”
He looked down, guilty. “I just miss you. The you I married.”
She smiled faintly. “I miss me too. But we can find her again. Together.”
Because sometimes, loving someone through change means helping them find joy again.
What Islam reminds us
Islam honours change as part of human nature. We are not static beings. Our faith deepens, weakens, strengthens again. Our roles shift. Our capacity changes.
The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) experienced change in the people closest to him—and met it with compassion. He embraced growth. He advised spouses to treat each other with mercy (rahmah) and patience (sabr), especially when the winds of life shift direction.
In fact, he said:
“The most complete of believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are those who are best to their wives.” (At-Tirmidhi)
That applies both ways—because kindness in change is mutual.
Tips for loving through change
- Pause the comparisons: Don’t hold your spouse hostage to their younger self. Growth isn’t betrayal—it’s reality.
- Be curious, not critical: Ask, “What’s going on with you lately?” instead of “Why are you like this now?”
- Adjust love languages: If he is not writing love poems anymore, maybe he is showing love by fixing your car. If she no longer cooks elaborate meals, maybe she is prioritizing your peace of mind instead.
- Create room to reconnect: Weekly Walk. Tea before bed. A slow Sunday breakfast. Find pockets of connection.
- Celebrate the ‘new’ them: Praise the matured version. The one who now prays Fajr regularly. Who is more emotionally available. Who is healed in places you once couldn’t reach.
From Hatmahz Kitchen…
Change is something we see every day in our restaurant. A regular who once loved Pilawo now orders sweet potatoes and
beans stew. A couple that always dined-in now prefers delivery—they just had a baby. The young man who always came alone now walks in hand-in-hand with his wife.
Change is life. But what makes love beautiful is when we choose to love again—through every version, through every season.
The person you married is not the same—and neither are you. That’s not a reason to mourn. It’s a reason to rediscover each other.
So tonight, instead of saying, “You have changed,” try saying: “I want to know who you are becoming—and love you through it.”
Because real love doesn’t freeze time. It evolves… and endures. SubuhaanAllah!
May Allah make it easy for all of us… ameen.
