Raising thinkers, not pleasers

Janat Yahaya Naggolola – Parenting Coach

Assalam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

In an era where likes, trends, and approval have become digital currencies, many children are unknowingly trained to seek validation over values, and to conform rather than think. But what if your goal as a parent is higher?

What if your mission is to raise a child who can think critically, choose consciously, and stand confidently for what is right, even when it’s not popular?

Welcome to the journey of raising thinkers, not pleasers, a path rooted in prophetic wisdom, intellectual development, and the beauty of Islamic parenting.

Why raising pleasers limits growth

Children who are taught to please others at all costs often suppress their ideas, feelings, and judgment. While they may appear obedient, what they lack is internal strength and moral clarity.

Islam does not endorse blind obedience. It promotes reflective faith.

Allah (SWT) commands:

“Do they not reflect upon the Qur’an, or are there locks upon their hearts?”

(Surah Muhammad, 47:24)

This verse alone is a divine reminder that raising reflective minds is a religious obligation, not just an educational goal.

Why independent judgment is a prophetic trait

The Prophet Ibrahim (AS) is a timeless example.

As a young man, he questioned societal norms and the beliefs of his people, including his own father. His spiritual courage was not rooted in disobedience, but in conviction.

Similarly, our beloved Prophet Muhammad (SAW) was known for deep reflection (tafakkur) and careful judgment, even before prophethood. He did not follow blindly, he led with truth.

Foundational benefits of raising thinkers

A thinking child won’t follow the crowd. They follow principles, even in the face of peer pressure, digital confusion, and social trends.

When children develop internal reasoning, they don’t just obey, they believe and commit. They hold themselves accountable even when you’re not watching.

Critical thinking is the cornerstone of decision-making, emotional regulation, and effective leadership, key qualities for the future Ummah.

How to Nurture Independent Thinkers at Home

Instead of instructing immediately, ask:

“What do you think is the best way to handle this?”

This shifts your child from obedience to ownership.

Welcome difficult questions about faith, rules, or life. Create a home environment where your child can say: “I don’t understand this… Can we talk?” without fear of judgment.

Acknowledge thoughtful decisions even if they differ from yours.

Say: “I really admire how you thought that through.”

Share age-appropriate stories from news, history, or the Qur’an and ask: “What would you do in this situation?”

Demonstrate reflective thinking in your day-to-day decisions. Say things like: “I chose to wait before responding so I could think it through. That’s part of being fair.”

What this looks like in real life

Let’s say your 10-year-old asks,

“Why do we pray five times a day when Allah already knows everything?”

Your response shapes their spiritual framework. Rather than reply,

“Because we’re told to, that’s why,” try: “That’s a great question. Let’s explore what prayer really means, and how it helps us grow closer to Allah.”

That’s how faith is internalized, not memorized.

At Mynd Your Child, we support parents like you in moving beyond traditional obedience-based parenting to a holistic model of faith-anchored, emotionally intelligent, leadership-driven parenting.