The hierarchy of human pursuits (Part III)

By Yusuf Bulafu

Assalam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

Cont’d …

Fitting in and popularity: The trap of validation

Once we get past the idea that happiness is the ultimate goal which, to be fair, can take years we often shift toward something slightly more social in nature and far more insidious in its demands. It is the desire to be accepted, to be admired, to be seen as relevant or desirable in the eyes of others. Often masked as self-expression, this is the pursuit of fitting in.

It starts quietly, sometimes even innocently. We adjust how we dress, change the way we speak, maybe even the opinions we share or don’t share. We start paying attention to what’s trending, what others are doing, and how not to seem out of place. No one wants to be the odd one out. No one enjoys being laughed at or excluded. So, we adapt in a way just enough to blend in.

Sometimes, it’s subtle. You laugh at jokes you don’t really find funny; you pretend to like things you don’t care about, or you hold back something true about yourself—maybe your beliefs, your habits, your values—because you know it’ll raise eyebrows.

Other times, the shift is more drastic. People rebuild their entire identities around what’s acceptable in the circles they want to belong to. This is not just young people, adults too fall for it through careers, neighborhoods, even relationships. We make choices that aren’t really ours, just because they help us avoid that awkward feeling of being “different.”

And when fitting in isn’t enough, we slide into the pursuit of something even more addictive: popularity.

Popularity is the louder, more visible extension of this same need. It is no longer about simply fitting in, it is about standing out, being praised, being followed. In a digital age, where visibility is often mistaken for value, popularity becomes a pursuit in its own right. People measure their significance through likes, comments, views, and applause. Their sense of self becomes entangled in numbers and the fleeting opinions of others.

The most unsettling part is how silently this kind of pursuit can steal our authenticity. We start curating ourselves and over time, you might realize that you’ve become so busy performing that you’re not even sure what’s real anymore. What do you actually like? What do you believe? Who are you, when no one is watching?

And like happiness, fitting in and popularity are inherently unstable. What is praised today may be ridiculed tomorrow. What makes someone admired in one setting may make them irrelevant in another. Those who dedicate themselves to these pursuits live in constant anxiety of guarding their image, fearing exposure, avoiding depth, and often compromising their values for the sake of applause. This is a high cost.

Of course, none of this is to say that wanting to connect or be appreciated is wrong. It’s natural and we’re social beings. We’re wired for belonging. But there’s a difference between genuine connection and performance. It’s okay to want to be liked. But maybe the better question is: do they like me for who I actually am? And do I like the person I’ve become trying to be liked?

Fitting in can feel safe. Being noticed can feel powerful. But both can become traps if we’re not careful—traps that keep us stuck in a loop of constant measuring, comparing, and pretending. And the truth is, when we stop trying so hard to impress people and start living in alignment with what actually matters to us, the right kind of people tend to stick around. Not always immediately but in time. This pursuit might feel necessary for a season. And maybe for some of us, it was. But it’s not a destination worth staying at.

There’s something more honest, more rooted, waiting further up the ladder.

To be continued …