The silent treatment: When silence becomes the loudest problem
By Hatmah Nalugwa Ssekaaya
Assalam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh
You argued. Maybe over something small. Or perhaps over the same old issue that never seems to go away. Now, it’s been hours. Or days. No one is speaking. Just heavy sighs. Clinking cups. Forced smiles in front of the children. You share a bed, a house, and even meals… but you feel galaxies apart.
This, dear reader, is the silent treatment. The invisible wall that creeps in when communication breaks down. And in many Ugandan homes, it’s more common than we admit.
When the house grows quiet
In African culture, silence is often mistaken for maturity. “At least they’re not shouting,” so people say. But silence can be a loud form of emotional withdrawal.
It says, “I am hurt,” “I don’t know how to fix this,” or worse, “I don’t care to try.”
Couples who use silence as a shield eventually lose the ability to connect. Even in moments of peace. And the longer it lingers, the more intimacy withers.
A familiar scene: Tea and tension
“You are not going to say anything?” Mariam asked, placing his cup of tea on the table. Yasin didn’t look up. He just nodded silently. She sat down. Waited.
“You are punishing me for speaking my mind, aren’t you?” she whispered. No answer.
In that silence lived so much noise: pride, hurt, confusion, unmet expectations. And yet, all either of them wanted was to feel seen and heard.
What Islam teaches us
Islam values peace (salaam) in the home. But not peace at the expense of emotional neglect. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) never used silence to belittle or punish his wives. Whenever he got upset, he would withdraw calmly and briefly but never left conflict unresolved. In fact, the Prophet (S.A.W) advised against prolonging resentment:
“It is not lawful for a Muslim to boycott his brother for more than three days.”
(Sahih al-Bukhari)
While this hadith addresses general Muslim relationships, it’s even more critical in the bond of marriage. If a cold war lingers beyond a few days, it turns into emotional erosion.
Dangers of Silent Treatment and why it hurts
- It avoids the real issue: Instead of resolving conflict, it buries it until it resurfaces worse.
- It breeds insecurity: The other partner starts to doubt their worth in your life.
- It damages communication: Over time, people stop talking. Not just about problems, but about everything.
- It models poor conflict resolution: Especially dangerous in homes with children. They begin to believe that silence is how love reacts to disappointment.
From Hatmahz Kitchen to the heart
I once delivered food to a home where the wife had ordered two different dishes. When I asked her if she wanted them packed together, she smiled sadly and said, “No. We are not eating together this week.” Woo! That broke me a little.
Love isn’t just about grand gestures. Sometimes, it’s about choosing to speak even when it’s awkward. It’s about sitting through a difficult conversation instead of disappearing into silence. And here is how to break the wall:
- Initiate, even if gently: A soft “Can we talk when you’re ready?” is often enough to melt the ice.
- Don’t wait for the other to make the first move: Marriage isn’t a competition of egos. It’s a collaboration of hearts.
- Name your silence: Say: “I have been quiet because I didn’t know how to express what I felt.” Honesty builds trust.
- Time, not punishment: If you need space to calm down, communicate it clearly: “I need some time, but we will talk later.”
- Use Islamic reminders: Make du’a for ease in communication. Recite together. Pray for your partner by name.
Silence has a place in love, but not when it’s used as a weapon. Let your home be a space of compassion, not quiet warfare. So tonight, if your hearts have grown distant and your words have dried up… start with one sentence.
One apology. One olive branch. Because sometimes, the softest “I am ready to talk” is the loudest act of love. SubuhaanAllah! May Allah make it easy for all of us, Ameen.
