When silence is golden: The Sunnah of holding back in arguments

By Hatmah Nalugwa Ssekaaya

Assalam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

 I once visited a couple who had been married for over 30 years. They had that calm, graceful aura that comes with time. The kind where two people finish each other’s sentences and laugh without saying much. As we talked, I asked them what had kept their marriage strong for that long. The wife smiled knowingly and said, “We did not avoid arguments. We just learned which ones were worth our breath.”

SubhanAllah! That simple sentence carried years of wisdom. Because truthfully, love is not only built in the easy moments. It is tested in the tense ones.

The Heat of the Moment

Every couple, no matter how close, faces moments when tempers rise. A misunderstanding. A careless word. A long day that ends with a short fuse. Sometimes, the easiest reaction is to respond instantly, to “win” the argument, to prove a point, or to make sure we are heard.

But often, that momentary satisfaction costs us peace that takes days to rebuild.

The Prophet (PBUH) said:

“The strong man is not the one who can overpower others, but the one who controls himself when angry.” (Bukhari, Muslim)

True strength in marriage is not in how sharp our words are, but how soft our restraint can be.

The Sunnah of Restraint

The Prophet (PBUH) was the gentlest of men in disagreement. Even when wronged, he chose dignity over anger, silence over shouting, and forgiveness over winning.

A beautiful hadith reminds us:

“Whoever controls his anger when he has the power to act upon it, Allah will fill his heart with peace and faith.” (Tabarani)

Imagine applying this in marriage. When your spouse says something hurtful, and you can respond but choose not to. Allah Himself rewards you with inner calm. Silence, then, becomes a shield and not a weakness.

It does not mean avoiding difficult conversations. It means pausing, waiting for the heart to settle before the tongue moves.

When words become weapons

The tongue is light, but its wounds can cut deep. Many homes have fallen silent not because of lack of love, but because of words that went too far.

One harsh sentence “You always…” or “You never…” can undo months of tenderness. And yet, one moment of silence in anger can save years of peace.

The Qur’an reminds us:

“And tell My servants to say that which is best. Indeed, Shaytan sows discord among them.” (Qur’an 17:53)

Sometimes, “saying that which is best” means saying nothing at all until it is safe to speak with kindness.

The Power of pausing

In my own reflections, I have come to see silence as an act of mercy. When emotions are high, words rarely heal. But silence, chosen intentionally gives space for understanding to return.

So try this:

• When anger rises, say “A‘udhu billahi min ash-shaytan ir-rajim.”
• Step away, make wudhu, or pray at least two rak‘ahs before continuing the conversation.
• Then return, not to win, but to listen and to solve.

This is the prophetic model of conflict resolution: calm, deliberate, merciful.

Mercy in marriage

In one narration, Aisha (RA) described that the Prophet (PBUH) never raised his voice in the home, nor returned harshness with harshness. He would respond with patience, often with a soft smile that disarmed anger.

It’s no wonder that Allah describes the marital bond as one of tranquillity, affection, and mercy — sakinah, mawaddah, wa rahmah (Qur’an 30:21). These qualities cannot live in a house full of shouting. They thrive where humility, forgiveness, and restraint reside.

Silence as a language of love

Silence, when chosen with wisdom, can actually speak love. It says:

• “I value our peace more than my pride.”
• “I choose you over the argument.”
• “Let’s not hurt each other just to prove we are right.”

That kind of silence is not avoidance. It is emotional maturity. It is knowing that sometimes, walking away for a moment is an act of devotion, not defeat.

Healing after the storm

Of course, silence alone is not the goal. After tempers cool, love must return through gentle communication and not accusation.

A kind word after tension can rebuild what anger almost destroyed. The Prophet (PBUH) said:

“A kind word is charity.” (Tirmidhi)

So, replace silence with gentleness once peace returns. Start with something simple like, “I am sorry I spoke harshly,” or “Let’s pray together and move on.”

This is what it means to turn a moment of anger into a moment of worship.

Take home

Marriage is a classroom where Allah teaches us patience, humility, and mercy through the person we love the most. Silence, when chosen wisely, becomes one of its greatest lessons.

The next time anger rises, remember: you are not being silent for your spouse alone, but rather you are being silent for Allah.

May Allah soften our hearts when we are tested, calm our tongues when they are tempted, and fill our homes with the peace that only mercy can bring. May He make our silence a form of sabr, our speech a source of healing, and our marriages a reflection of His love and light… Ameen.