From behaviour control to thought leadership

Janat Yahaya Naggolola – Parenting Coach

Assalam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

It started in a quiet home. Both parents were committed, loving, and deeply intentional. They provided well, prayed for their children, corrected them promptly, and believed strongly in good manners and discipline. From the outside, the children appeared well behaved. Guests often praised them. Teachers had no major complaints. Yet within the walls of the home, the parents felt a constant heaviness they could not easily explain.

Every day followed a similar rhythm. When instructions were given, the children complied but only when closely watched. When reminders stopped, so did the behaviour. Chores were done with supervision rather than ownership. Apologies were offered yet the same mistakes returned. One evening, after addressing the same issue yet again, the mother sat quietly and spoke with tired honesty. She said she did not understand why the lessons were not lasting.

That moment became a turning point.

The parents began to realize something painful yet liberating. They had been raising obedient children but not independent thinkers. They were correcting actions without shaping the thinking that produced those actions. Their children had learned how to respond to authority but not how to guide themselves when authority stepped away.

One incident made this realization unavoidable. The father had clearly instructed the children not to touch a particular item before leaving the house. They listened attentively and agreed. Hours later, it became clear the instruction had been broken almost immediately after supervision ended.

When asked why, the response was simple and sincere. They explained that their father was not present. There was no defiance in the answer only innocence and that was what concerned the parents most.

That evening, the parents reflected deeply. They recognized that they had trained compliance rather than conscience. They had focused on stopping behaviour instead of understanding it.

In their effort to raise well mannered children they had overlooked the deeper responsibility of raising thoughtful self-directed individuals. They were reminded that in Islam parenting is an amanah and that true accountability begins when a child knows that Allah sees them even when parents do not.

From that point onward their approach began to shift. Correction was no longer the conclusion of the conversation but the beginning. Instead of only instructing what not to do they began asking what the child was thinking at the moment of choice.

Instead of reacting in frustration they paused to guide reflection. When mistakes occurred, they discussed consequences emotions and alternative decisions. Apologies were no longer rushed but understanding was intentionally cultivated grounded in the awareness of right and wrong before Allah.

Initially the process felt uncomfortable. Conversations required more patience. Silence replaced shouting. Reflection replaced fear. Yet gradually something remarkable began to take shape. The children started pausing before acting. They began explaining their choices with clarity.

They corrected themselves without being prompted. Over time discipline moved from the parent’s voice into the child’s inner compass strengthened by taqwa and personal responsibility.

The atmosphere of the home changed. Not because the children became flawless but because they became aware. They learned that behaviour flows from thinking and thinking can be guided. Responsibility was no longer associated with punishment but with ownership.

The parents who had once felt exhausted by constant correction discovered relief in trust. They were no longer guarding every action but nurturing minds capable of self guidance.

They came to understand a powerful truth. Effective parenting is not about controlling behaviour but about cultivating thinking patterns that guide children long after instructions end. Rules may manage a moment, but values guide a lifetime. When children are taught how to think they carry their parents’ guidance with them even in the absence of supervision and remain conscious that Allah is always present.

If a child behaves well only when watched it is not a failure. It is an invitation. An invitation to move beyond correction into leadership beyond control into connection and beyond obedience into character.

The question is no longer how to stop the behaviour.

The deeper question is what kind of thinking is being shaped today that will guide the child tomorrow.

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