Do you still like the person you married?

By Hatmah Nalugwa Ssekaaya

We spend a great deal of time asking married couples whether they still love each other. But perhaps there is another question worth asking: Do you still like the person you married?

Not “Do you love them?”

Not “Would you stay with them?”

But simply: Do you still enjoy this person’s company?

Do you still want to sit beside them? Do they still make you laugh? Are you interested in what they think?

Would you choose to spend time with them even if there were no children, bills or household responsibilities requiring you to be together?

It is an uncomfortable question. Perhaps that is why it is worth asking.

Love and liking are not the same thing.

You can love someone deeply and yet stop enjoying their company. You can remain committed to your marriage while becoming emotionally distant. You can fulfil your responsibilities while quietly becoming strangers.

Sometimes, it happens so gradually that neither person notices. The conversations become about the children. Then bills. Then work. Then errands. Then family obligations.

Eventually, you realize that you have become excellent partners at running a household, but poor companions in life.

Yes, you are married and are functioning. But are you still friends?

Remember when you were getting to know each other?

Before marriage, you wanted to know everything.

What makes you happy? What are you afraid of? What are your dreams? What makes you laugh? How was your day? You could talk for hours and still have something to discover.

Then marriage happened.

And somehow, the person you once couldn’t stop asking questions about became the person you stopped being curious about.

We assume we already know everything. But people change. The person you married at 25 may not be the same person at 35 or 45.

Life changes us. Parenthood changes us. Work changes us. Disappointments change us. Faith can deepen. Priorities can shift. New dreams can emerge.

WHEN CURIOSITY BECOMES CRITICISM

One of the quiet signs that friendship is fading is when curiosity is replaced by criticism.

Instead of:

“Why do you feel that way?” we say: “You always do this.”

Instead of:

“Tell me what happened.” we say: “Here we go again.”

Instead of listening, we assume. Instead of asking, we judge.

And once we convince ourselves that we already know everything about someone, we stop truly seeing them.

Imagine living with someone who has stopped being interested in who you are. That can be an incredibly lonely marriage.

FRIENDSHIP IS NOT A LUXURY

Marriage is not only about romance, intimacy or fulfilling responsibilities.

It is companionship. It is friendship. It is having someone with whom you can laugh about something completely ridiculous. It is having inside jokes. It is knowing what makes them smile. It is noticing when their silence means “I am exhausted” rather than “I am angry.”

It is being able to sit together without needing constant entertainment. It is being able to disagree without becoming enemies.

The Qur’an beautifully describes marriage through sakinah, mawaddah and rahmah —tranquility, affection and mercy. (Qur’an 30:21)

These are not merely romantic ideals. They describe the kind of emotional home we should strive to create with the person we have chosen to share our lives with.

MARRIAGE SHOULD BE MORE THAN STAYING

There is a difference between remaining married and being connected in marriage.

One is a status. The other is a relationship.

And perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give our spouses is not merely our loyalty, but our genuine companionship.

The person you married should not only be the person you share a house with. They should be someone you can sit beside and still think: “I actually like you.”

Not every day will feel romantic. Not every season will be easy. There will be arguments, exhaustion, responsibilities and moments when you need space.

That is normal. But underneath all of that, there should still be a friendship worth returning to.

So perhaps tonight, instead of asking your spouse:

“Do you still love me?”

Ask yourself something quieter. Something more honest:

“Do I still like the person I married?”

And if the answer is yes, Alhamdulillah. Protect that friendship. Nurture it. Don’t take it for granted.

And if the answer makes you uncomfortable, don’t run from the discomfort.

It may be telling you exactly where your marriage needs your attention.