We chose to stay. Now, how do we heal?
By Hatmah Nalugwa Ssekaya
Last week, we met Samira and Harun—a couple whose marriage was shaken by infidelity. Harun chose to forgive his wife, but forgiveness did not erase his pain. This week, we explore what comes after the decision to stay.
Harun had forgiven Samira, but their marriage was not the same.
She wanted them to move forward. He wanted to trust her again, but every unexpected phone call, delayed arrival or unanswered message seemed to reopen the wound.
One evening, after another difficult conversation, Samira asked, “What more can I do? I ended the affair. I apologised. I repented. Must I spend the rest of my life proving that I am sorry?”
Harun was silent for a moment.
“I don’t want to punish you, Samira. I just don’t know how to stop being afraid that it could happen again.”
For the first time, she understood something important: ending the affair was not the same as repairing the damage it had caused.
And Harun, too, had to confront a difficult truth. If they had chosen to rebuild their marriage, they could not spend the rest of their lives reliving its worst chapter.
They had chosen to stay. But could they learn how to heal?
THE ISLAMIC LENS
Islam offers hope through tawbah—sincere repentance. Allah says:
“Do not despair of the mercy of Allah.” (Qur’an 39:53)
Genuine repentance involves remorse, abandoning the sin and resolving not to return to it. Samira’s responsibility, therefore, is not merely to apologise but to demonstrate change through her choices.
Yet Harun’s pain deserves compassion too. Forgiveness does not require him to pretend that nothing happened, nor does it mean that trust must return overnight.
So what can they do?
Seven practical steps towards rebuilding trust.
- End the betrayal completely.
Samira must maintain firm boundaries with the former affair partner. If contact is unavoidable, such as through work, it must remain professional and transparent.
- Take responsibility without excuses.
Samira must acknowledge the harm she caused without blaming Harun or their marital difficulties. Problems in a marriage may need attention, but they do not excuse infidelity.
- Agree on reasonable transparency.
Harun needs reassurance, while Samira needs a path towards restoring normalcy. They can agree to communicate honestly about their whereabouts, changes in plans and situations that may reasonably raise concern. Transparency, however, should not become endless interrogation, intimidation or secret surveillance.
- Give healing time.
Harun must accept that some days will be harder than others. Samira, in turn, must understand that rebuilding trust requires patience and consistent action—not demands that he simply move on.
- Rebuild emotional connection.
They can set aside time for honest conversations, shared activities and renewed intimacy. They should discuss what was missing in their relationship without using those difficulties to excuse the affair.
- Seek help when necessary.
A qualified marriage counsellor or therapist can help them process the betrayal, establish healthy boundaries and communicate without repeatedly hurting each other. A knowledgeable Islamic scholar may also help clarify religious concerns.
- Choose a new way forward.
Samira must demonstrate that she has changed. Harun must honestly assess whether he is willing to work towards reconciliation. If he chooses to remain, forgiveness should not become a lifelong weapon. If reconciliation proves impossible, they should seek appropriate guidance rather than allow the marriage to deteriorate into cruelty.
THE CROSSROADS
Healing is not a straight line. There may be setbacks, difficult conversations and moments when the past feels painfully present. But a marriage cannot be rebuilt by one person apologising forever while the other keeps a permanent record of every mistake.
Nor can it be rebuilt by demanding forgiveness while refusing to acknowledge the damage done.
Samira must become trustworthy. Harun must decide whether he can learn to trust again. Both must participate in rebuilding what was broken.
And perhaps this is the lesson many couples need to hear: forgiveness may open the door, but trust is rebuilt through what happens after you walk through it.
The question is no longer simply, “Can I forgive you?” but rather it is, “Are we both willing to do the work required to begin again?”
May Allah make it easy for all of us, especially those going through a rough time in their relationships… Ameen.
